T minus 97 days

Hey everyone?

My name is Bryan Smith, and in 97 days I will be leaving with a group of  11 other people for the Lake Atitlan region of Guatemala.

Our mission group has gotten together to meet twice now, and both times I surprisingly got something out of them. The first one was to meet and break the ice which I hadn’t even considered. I had tunnel vision for serving in Guatemala and the other members hadn’t really crossed my mind to be honest. I didn’t know what to expect from the different people at all.

And I was highly doubtful about a lot of the pre-trip plans and meetings once the first meeting started. It started like 20 minutes late which bugs me, and the first thing said was “We’re gonna play a game”. Really? Are we in middle school? A scavenger hunt? Great, I love sweating a lot before a 3 hour meeting.

By the end of the night however, I was filled with a sense of encouragement in God’s plans for us and a true sense of fellowship with the people there, which I don’t feel at all in most Christian groups. I think it’s rooted in the fact that we are only together with the intention of serving and loving others in Christ, and in that we didn’t come in with a lot of guards up or the same degree of desire to exalt ourselves in front of each other as in other groups. None of that mattered in a group rooted in servitude. At least that’s how it felt for me.

Our second meeting was one week ago, and we shared our testimonies. I’ve shared it dozens of times, and it always ends positively. “I was left with an unshakable faith in God” or “And lately I’ve been reading my bible and praying fervently”. But when I ended I kinda trailed off and realized I wasn’t where I wanted to be now and especially in 104 days. I hadn’t been reading or praying regularly for the past few weeks due to the massive amounts of time I had just been wasting. So after that night, I renewed my decision to be more active in seeking God, which as Christians is something we need to do often. We can never be content with our current level.

The trip will be a week long and is just under one hundred days away, but I have this burdening sense that that is so little time for prep with where I am. Between raising $1,600 (Of which I have $0, despite passing the $100 requirement mark) and the overwhelming realization that I haven’t even begun to pray as much as I feel is required, I feel like a year might be more adequate for preparation. Maybe.

At first I was sure that I didn’t doubt God’s ability to provide, but I feel like through my expectations I was placing a handicap on how He could do it. He had the choices of me working for it or me sending letters out for it. Now, ordinarily sending out letters is supposed to be a test of faith, but I feel like in my own intelligence I am sending letters to people I know can help provide. I feel like I’ve turned an act of dependence into an act of independence. It’s part of my nature to want control over everything, to micromanage every detail, and it’s hard to admit that giving it up for the unknown makes me uneasy. It’s not really a fear, it’s a distrust.

A distrust of this all-encompassing God of love and power. It sounds so foolish when I put words to it, but that’s what it is. I want to be in control, do it my way, and have his blessing as I do.

I feel in this regard I always relate heavily to Moses (Pre-exodus Moses, not cool Post-exodus Moses). He feels called to free his people from slavery so in his own power and zeal he goes out and murders a slave driver. It blows up in his face, he flees into the wilderness, and spends a “long period” in the desert tending his new father-in-law’s flock. After a long and humbling period God comes to him and says it’s time for him to go and free His people. This time Moses’ response isn’t one of his confidence before, “But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? And God said, “I will be with you” (Ex. 3:11-12)

In this long period of humbling his response went from one of self-confident action to a response that sets the bar for where our mindsets should be. Who Am I? Who am I that you want to use me? Who am I that you have selected me to go to Egypt? To Guatemala? To India, to Greece, to Moose Factory, or New York? To which God’s response “I will be with you” is our answer.

This is just heavy on me. I don’t feel like I am the person God is going to send to this far away place. Where I am now my head is in the way. My own agenda is in the way. I’m not acting in a dependence and humility rooted in Christ but a self-assuredness.

These next 97 days are not a time for me to bring in money for a trip. These next 97 days are my time in the desert, being put through a spiritual crucible as God refines and humbles me and makes me into a tool for him to send out. This trip is an opportunity and a blessing, and if I don’t treat it as such in seeking God’s will he doesn’t have to send me.

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

I am confident I am not the only one that is struggling with things of this nature, and this month I ask for your prayer and support of not just myself, but the others on the team. Thank you so much.

~Bryan